So did the experience, the one I’d been planning for, dreaming of and longing for all year, actually live up to expectation? Yes and no: the positives - I was extremely pleased to complete with a sound horse; the negatives - I couldn’t help but feel unprepared with a less than perfect build up, I felt the absence of Chris and his horse (one of the unlucky few below me on the list) and nothing went quite to plan. A case of three stars but not quite three ticks....
I confess that watching the wait list became something of an obsession for me in the weeks leading up to the big event....making me as twitchy as a love-struck teenager... I watched but little changed.... a few horses shuffled places at the top.... I convinced myself there was little hope... even with the start of Burghley (where several horses were double entered) the list remained static... I resigned myself to following plan b - an expensive ferry trip to Ireland the following week...
....that was until the Monday of Blenheim week.....stuck at the yard that morning I’d asked Marcus to check the list..... at 10.30 am I received a text telling me I was 2 away from getting in .... unbelievable... I’d gone from having at least 10 in front of me to being within a whisker..... he rang me an hour later, ‘You’re next on the list....’ his words took a while to register... how could the situation have changed so drastically? The impossible suddenly seemed possible and I wasn’t even slightly ready... nothing packed....I made a few lists... a few tentative piles of clothes and waited ... and waited.....nothing that evening....
......9.30am the next morning...still nothing... The bright spark of hope which had kept me awake all night, faded to a pale glimmer as I rationalised that if anyone else was going to pull out then they’d have done it by then.... the secretary’s call came unexpectedly at 11.50 am.... ‘Sorry for the late notice but you’re in...’ Oh my God – is this really happening? Shock stunned me before I switched to auto pilot: feed....hay...rugs....tack...clothes....food (no time to visit the supermarket) ...mental lists of everything I needed to do before departing the next morning reeled through my head..... with help from a valuable friend the lorry was packed by late that afternoon...the same friend texted me prior to my solo departure the next morning... How do you feel? My reply.... Lucky, excited and extremely nervous!
Without a vehicle pass my entrance to Blenheim estate was more a tangle of red tape than a fairy tale.... even in a horse box I had some trouble convincing the security man of my credibility... I had little time to worry how my helpers (arriving at erratically staggered intervals and in less appropriate vehicles) would fare....
Thankfully I had Friday dressage giving me a little time to adjust to the reality of actually being at Blenheim.... riding within the walls of the beautiful estate... walking the awe inspiring xc course... stabled next to eventing legends... I tried to play it all down...telling myself it was just another local event... but somehow there was no denying that it was a pretty big moment in my life: first time at Blenheim and first CCI3*.... realistically it was probably one of the biggest occasions.... second perhaps only to my wedding day....only I’d felt better prepared for that occasion!
Our dressage test was unspectacular: Bow was a little tense in the main arena but didn’t actually make any mistakes. I managed to stay calm and soft but Bow had his mouth open and tongue out throughout; both signs of resistance which the judges commented negatively upon and awarded us a subsequently disappointing mark of 66.7...
Our 1pm xc start time gave me a chance to watch a few horses before I needed to get ready; some fears allayed and some amplified in the process. Thankfully I was unaware of two bad falls at one of my ‘bogey’ fences – huge table to even huger corner – but I still felt numb as I warmed Bow up... unsure as to how he would cope with the relentlessly big fences....successive hills....crowds of people and the longest course we’d ever tackled.... as a result I reverted to cruise control over the first half of the course.... he jumped the first few fences well until we got to fence 7 .... with me not fully in charge Bow did what I’d feared and put in a big jump at the table element giving me little chance to put in the planned curving line and extra stride to the second element.... he took charge, locked on to the corner and took a stride out.... not the plan especially as the corner had a big drop on landing.... he cleared it by a foot evoking a huge cheer from the crowd....
.... it speared me into asserting control ... I knew that we couldn’t afford to take chances like that... he jumped the next few fences well apart from jinking left at an ornately carved element of one fence taking the flag with us.... we jumped back through the water out over the brush to corner and up a steep bank... at the summit a fairly innocuous drop fence... but Bow dropped the bridle and failed to respond to my frantic kicking.....he stopped uncharateristically throwing me onto his withers.....BANG! Somehow my air bag had gone off... but I was still in on-board... damn....... my mistake - if only I’d given him time to draw breath instead of hustling him...
....desperate to continue I had a quick consultation with the fence judge before taking off my number and air jacket... replacing my number and representing at the fence in a more organised fashion... no problem second time...... In fact we had no problem with any other fence, even when he got a bit tired, given time, he sorted himself out........ it was a relief to cross the finish yet any potential elation was marred by disappointment..... although he’d run past skinnies in the past, he’d never stopped before and I knew it was my fault....
Passing the trot up the next morning was a relief – although Bow had seemed fine, having seen quite a few sore horses around had made me even more anxious... but there was little chance to draw breath as having accumulated 55 time faults I was last of the finishers and so first to show jump.... despite having jumped big tracks all season, the course still looked enormous and my nerves (which I’d managed to control all season) affected me again... as I waited to go in one of the pros made one of the very worst statements anyone could have said to me that point in time..... ‘We’re all watching you...’
As I entered the arena I felt a bit like a rabbit must feel when caught in car headlights; frozen, impotent, blank..... I saluted the Duke and began my round... but the nerves clouded my judgement and I became intent on just getting round.... forgetting the processes, the strategies I’d learnt to employ over the season.... and pole after pole clattered to the ground.... I could blame his tiredness but realistically even if that were a factor, I didn’t ride him very well....
So we completed (yaay!) but I can’t quite shake off a sense of disappointment that I didn’t ride him better..... God willing we’ll have the chance to do it all again next season and I’m determined that I’ll do a better job!
