Balancing on the brink

It's only a few weeks until I gain my freedom. Until I escape the rigid routines of the ancient institution which has been my life for the last 12 years; a state high school where I've been teaching English. I'm about to take a sabbatical in order to pursue my life-long passions; writing and riding my horses. You're probably thinking 'what's she got to worry about? She's going to be living her dream, enjoying her moment; she'll be a lady of leisure...' Hopefully your predictions are correct. So why do I feel physically sick at the mere prospect of my liberty?

I should be dancing in the corridor, singing in the shower or galloping wildly over the moors. In reality, the very thought of endless days spent without the structure provided by the school bell, are terrifying. Like an extended summer holiday; a black hole of empty time. Being a creature of routine and industry, this prospect terrifies me. I feel like I am balancing on the brink of a deep, dark abyss; poised to hurl myself into oblivion. Will I fall or fly? There will be no more lessons to plan, essays to mark or reports to write; all tasks I have bemoaned in the past. Yet during my last few weeks of teaching I am clinging to these last few vestiges of normality like the wreckage of a ship. They have become driftwood to someone drowning: me.

At first I kept these thoughts to myself (foolishly believing that if I ignored them, they might dissipate) but then my inner terror began to affect my competetive performance. I began to place too much pressure upon myself; after all I had resigned from my job to pursue this more seriously. I started trying too hard to succeed, to force myself to perform. This of course is diastrous to any sporting endeavour. Serious sports people from all disciplines will recognise the need to maintain a relaxed attitude in competition; that 'letting it happen' is the key to success. This is why I have decided to voice my fears. I hope that a thorough aring will be cathartic; that I might pause the self destruct process.